November 19, 2010

Play Play by Play.....

After book club on Thursday I stayed in Mr.Mac's room with Ryan and my old math teacher, until 6:30. At one point I was all alone while they went and got Sonic but later we were all comparing music and movies and waving our hands when the motion censor lights went out. It was actually really fun. After it was close to the plays beginning a janitor came in and cleaned up and then she left and the lights went out. Mr.Mac jiggled his keys and they didn't come back on. Turns out that the janitor just flipped off the switch. Like what? She noticed us, I mean she said 'hey.'

I was sitting next to my old math teacher at the end of the row. It was a pretty pathetic turn out for opening night. But then I realized why. It wasn't even a full play, it was a whole bunch of skits and the props were air. 'Would you like this invisible bag of money?'

It was called Journeys from There to Here. Nice title, but you can't judge a book by its cover. No, no you can't.

So here's what I wrote....
Lola's standing on the stairs above me and I'm worried I'll distract her, but that's just flattery.
God, they're reading off etiquette rules now, and warnings about the smoke machine in one of the scenes.
The lights dim and I'd like to say the crowd went crazy but that would be the understatement of the year. Three green shirt wearing kids come out and make not so funny commentary about the beginning of the play and how we will be following different stories from around the world, starting in Africa. Remember in elementary where they partnered all races together and there were couples that were both white that had a black baby? Yeah that didn't happen. The actors for Africa were black. Lola was in a turban thing at one point, but they weren't racist or anything.
This skit starts off with a beautiful princess being hidden from the world by her parents. Wait I saw an 80's movie like this?! But real quick the over protective dad's like here you can marry her and sends her out in the woods with a slave.
The princess is an obvious idiot and I want to talk to her like I do the TV. But I think they mentioned something about not doing that in the etiquette rules announcements. They get to a projection of a water fall clip art and the princess asks what it is.
The slave is a lot smarter and asks for her sandals in return for an answer. I'm like wikipedia it, you need those shoes! But she doesn't hear me and then she loses her head dress, jewels and wrap. It's pretty clear whats going to happen at this point. The guy is going to think the slave is the princess. But they won't cut to the chase, no the dumb, naked princess gets to a fake ficus and asks what it is? And you know what the slave says, a palm tree! A palm tree! What? And she gives her her necklace for that lie. I mean its a fake ficus, how cheap is my school that we cant buy a blow up party palm tree.
 Leo, the guy who plays the soon to be prince or something marries the slave and hates her, everyone does. He's near causing a terrible 'accident' when the father shows up and's like hey I want to get some coffee with my daughter, where is she? The wholes things taken care of, blah blah blah. And they live happily ever after. Sorry that was kind of quick but I'm sure you can guess what happened. I mean we have all seen that 80's movie.

Another green shirt wearer comes out and asks us if we want to hear a tale? Crickets chirp. She looks nervous and asks again, this time one guys claps and then we all start up real slow. She races off stage, but at least we know she will never be a children show host. Because she would get fired real fast.

Another African skit is up, a tale if you will. This one starts off with Lola's cousin coming on, there like the only two black people in drama. She needs a room in the village and Leo lets her have it under one condition. She cannot snore. Huh? Who wrote this? She starts to snore, duh, and I'm like holy crap this is the climax. Better copy right this before MiraMax picks it up! Lola's cousin has a stage brother who must save her from the evil gods of snoring or something and he gets out his trusty drum he never leaves house without. Favorite accessory? My Converse. Food? Burgers. You never leave home without? Drum. And he starts to go all Will. I. Am.
I'm starting to wonder if I should have filmed this because he's the next Grayson Chance. No joke. I think they're going to have random dance and singing breaks to make this bearable.

The fake banter is back and the green shirt's are shoving each other.

France, this should be fun. White people!
The little French man is this boy I have known since 2nd grade. We call him scripted man because everything he says sounds like it was written before hand for a ABC comedy. And then we all fake laugh and I always expect a techie to pop up with a sign saying laugh or cry on it.
Someone on stage says that he has an honest face. I can't help but laugh, I mean that's no reason for you to let him into your house. If I was in this I would be the bad guy who doesn't feed him or give him a bed. Because he has given me no time to go on trusty People Finder.com.
He turns out to be a wizard or something, granting a wish that goes wrong and then the bad lady can't stop cutting things with her giant scissors (if they hadn't made the scissors so big we could have gotten a fake palm tree.) They have these awful scissor sound affects and I feel like I'm watching a parody of Edward Scissor hands.
Oh! Someone fell! This is why I come to these things! The other standing actress is improvising saying something like 'Don't drop those, they are important,' But you can tell she wants to laugh. And so does the audience. The not laughing tension is building.

I'll skip Holland because neither you nor I care.

India now. I don't even remember the story except that one of the actors sounded like he was from Scar Face. The rest of its a giant dance scene between monkeys and demons. Its like random dance break! The dancing is actually really cool. Its like a war but with flips and stuff. I'm starting to enjoy myself and then its time for Mexico.

I would like to tell you that this part isn't racist but I don't want to lie to you. You would think that with a school 80% Mexican this would be the best part, but no it's Dora for junior high. The main character is screaming 'Magnifico!' every two seconds and now the audience is wrapped around her little finger. Its so sad. Magnifico!
Scar Face is back- only now he's Pepe and eating a tortilla.  He's trying to shoot a bird, and oh wait the bird sings! Random singing break! Magnifico!
I remember the bird turns into a human and Pepe marries her and there's a fiesta but then Mariachi comes on and everyone goes crazy. They suck and still they love it.

Everyone bows and it's over and I don't think I learned anything. Not any of the morals except maybe the one from India which was kill a monkey or something.

Beauty and the beast next...should be fun!


I love you...but not your croc wearing mom.