May 8, 2011

I love holding my grandparents hands.

Maybe it's because I haven't exactly held anyone Else's, but I love it anyway.

I also love getting out of the shower and having my eyes look beautiful, sans makeup.

I love walking into school and feeling like no ones looking at me, but that it would be okay if they did.

I love Glee, and mixing similar, punchy sodas.


I however do not love talking about sex. It's uncomfortable not because I'm self conscious, how could I be with a body like mine, but because the idea of imagining someone you would never want to imagine having sex becomes an inevitability. Trust me, I am the last person to imagine my competitors in their underwear.

So when we were all passed out the fliers, which had to be signed, outlining sex ed curriculum, in health, I had a  mini panic attack. Don't get me wrong, I'm innocent, not naive. But teachers and my fellow students are about the last people I want to discuss vulva and genital warts with. They're behind my parents. 


But somehow, my Mr.Clean-look-a-like health teacher made it more than bearable.

He started off by calling up Tim to the front of the classroom,'Whats a menstrual cycle?'
And this is what Tim said-'Well, its like, when...a girl finishes working out she has to...' And so as to not even further the pain and humiliation Tim will be feeling for the next few weeks, I'll let your fill in the rest.

Then Mr.Clean called up George (Which is pronounced George, not Jorge, as we all found out on day 1,) he leaned up against the desk, somewhat Chuck Bass-esque and said he had asked all his girlfriends, and that for some reason you don't get your period while pregnant...blah blah blah. He was doing pretty well until he said this, 'And I know chicks get really freakin' angry during that time of the month.' Killed it.

One boy just said the word,'Ovulation' and then sat down.
One boy said we wore diapers.

And then came the girls.
'Whats a nocturnal emission?'

-'When guys get horny?'
-'Their excitement fuels the planet...'
-'Wet dream.'

'And why does this happen?'

Me-'Excess sperm?'

That was the moment, the one in which I simply repeated what Issy had told me to say at lunch, that I decided I needed a birds and bees refresher. And not just 'wet hugging' but the whole deal. I was seriously out of touch, and I would be darned if I was going to sit idly by while the idiots in my class got every question right in a subject I may lack experience in, but am certainly not blind too.

Sorry, that was unexpected.

But it got better. While we still didn't have our slips signed Mr.Clean wanted to give us a preview.

He said that in the weeks to come we would not put a condom on a cucumber, because they were permitted to only teach abstinence. And though the silent relief of the male students was palpable, I think we're really missing out.

He said that he would correct some myths we might have believed true. Like jumping up and down after the nasty to avoid a baby, or that with the girl on top you can't get pregnant.

'Does masturbation cause hair to grow from your palms?' Cue every boy checking their hands. The sad thing is I'm not even exaggerating that much.'Does masturbation cause you to go blind? I mean that's why Katlyn wears glasses, right?'

Katlyn sits right behind me and I swear the redness of her face may have been able to compete with a PE teachers.

He told us that he wished he was able to show us pictures of STD's, because a pictures worth a thousand words, as is the face we make when we see them.
'We're only allowed to show you pictures of your own gender and one at a time, take blue waffle, which is a slang term....Obviously O's seen the pictures!'

If that's the kind of stuff were going to be seeing, count me out. God, ugh. GEEZUS. Look it up , I dare you.

All in all, not as awkward as expected, and I may be looking forward to it?

So remember kids, and I think my message was pretty strong here, don't wear Crocs, never look up blue waffle, and if you have glasses, try not wearing them for health class.