May 11, 2011

The ultimate power in life, I've found, is to act like a child. Don't question it. Just do it. People love things that are too big and too small. Why? I don't know, I'm giving humanity no excuses. They love tiny things, especially. Act cute and vaguely like the children in viral videos (i.e. Charlie bit my finger, David at the Dentist...) and the world is at your fingertips.

Which is how I got Issy to apologize and hug me when I stole her brownie. May the force be with you.

My day, though full of non drug induced drowsiness and snot, was fairly boring.
Middle school typically is.

Though that may just be me, because two girls got suspended today. From what my health teacher has 'not' told us one of them gave the other E, and the rest, as they say, is no longer in school, because they're stupid!

I'm sorry, but I have a very small tolerance for spicy food, inappropriate foot wear, and ignorance. So when I find out that two girls in my class are getting high before class, after I cross them off my not so secret list of competitors, I feel angry.

Who's gonna wash my car?
Kidding, kidding. Am I?


The 8th grade semi-formal has officially consumed my world like baby talk. You know when women either are trying to get pregnant or are recently pregnant and all they talk about are diaper recalls and how parts A and D are interchangeable on cribs? Well that's whats happened to me.

All I want to know is what everyone else is doing. What they're wearing. If I'll look hotter. Who exactly needs to be reinstated to my aforementioned list.

I cant stop myself, but its like flaunting Christmas gifts, I do it, I just do it discretely. I make them bring it up. I sound more an more like the girl who cracks over the stolen mechanical pencil everyday.

Mostly I've been trying to find out how people are getting there. I was not invited to the party buses or limos, so my mom's green truck will have to do. And I think that's the part that's most intimidating...the getting there. I mean isn't that how everything is. Once you've started it only gets better, easier. You just have to find the strength to start. Go ahead, quote me.

I mean once I get in, the pig blood's all set up so, I see no problem...it's just the entrance...
Kidding. Kidding. Am I?

I feel that this is the right time to deal with the FAQ's.
And I mean frequently asked by my mother when I try to prove to her that I'm worth her time and understandably limited affection.

Are you a lesbian? 
I've been waiting for the perfect time to use this- I'm so far in the closet, I'm in Narnia.

Do you have a boyfriend, yet?
Yes,I do. He is currently having an inner battle because of his love for both music and basketball. And Corbin Bleu wont let him ruin his rep.

Ellen? Jane?
There is something to be said for women older than 50 who are still attracting jail bait. I can only hope to be even slightly like them as I age. And by slightly I mean, I want everything!

If you had to choose between Ellen and the destruction of all Croc products, which would you choose?
Um, geez, this is harder than the time I..Oops, I forgot what I was writing, I work part time at Family Guy. But seriously, that is the hardest thing I've ever had to think about. How about a compromise? Crocs get abolished, and I get Ellen, only she now has to wear the only pair left.

Are you lesbian?
No. No, I'm not. I simply amuse myself with gay jokes that are probably more offensive than I think.
Maybe 'I kissed a Girl' is my most played song on my itunes list. Maybe my fanny pack, flannel shirt and Birkenstocks are my go-to Saturday outfit.

I'm really not helping myself here.
I just lost my sole viewer, I warned you about the stereotypes. Bye, mom!

What do you have against Crocs?
God never meant for there to be shoes that felt like that. They have no right, being here. God did however suck their wearers into an escalator. I think I rest my case.

What movie do you relate your life to, you being a movie fanatic?
Thank you anonymous asker, we appreciate your thoughtful input.
In some ways my life is a lot like Superbad, currently.
Issy is my Seth Rogen and we are splitting up at the end of this year. Mere weeks away. Every one's freakin' out, but us. And I have a Fogul and she has her boyfriend, but we aren't gonna be the package deal we claim to be anymore. Deep, I know.

Maybe it'll hit us harder at the dance, or awards.

But seriously, lesbian?
Is it that obvious?
Kidding. Kidding Am I?

I hope that small window into my glamorous life has left you fulfilled.
Oh! News! I started an online store at - http://349704.spreadshirt.com/ (yes it is called Guten Togs)
Wear you can buy some shirts I think are funny, but are probably not. They're expensive, but you know, I made them, sooo? Still not into it?
Check that out if ya want.

I think I'm going to buy some for my mom, maybe she can replace her crocs with them?