March 31, 2011

Alright, so as I cyber pledged in the beginning of this whole thing, I will tell you the whole truth of 8th grade, the ups and downs. Only when I got there I didn't have ups or downs. I had flat, sturdy ground. And math tests aren't exactly breaking news. But then I started hanging out with the velociraptors.
To define hanging out I mean I kinda made friends with one of them and they travel in packs so I'm on a first name basis with the rest. I'd like to tell you that the whole cheerleader effect didn't penetrate my bubble of cynicism. But alas, they don't hand out names like the the school girl syndrome, for nothing.

And I knew going in that I wasn't one of them, I was the water boy. I was only there because I couldn't make the team, but one of the guys who did liked me. Kenzie is me, normalized. She gets good grades, she is super nice, she can be sarcastic. We have gone on 2 movie dates and we used to text constantly. We weren't good friends yet, but there was a possibility. A small bud of home for your favorite water boy.

 So we decided to work on a project together with another girl, Ginger, one who I know is using me and will in fact become my water boy if I get assertive. But then something terrible happened. I made a list. It was a list of renewable resources and facts about them, with pros and cons. A list that Kenzie called, and I'm taking a direct text quote here,'a waste of time.' I've already explained how personally I took this. But I did something that middle schoolers do. I told Shorty about it. And she was on my side, which is the reason you tell someone something, there's a comfort in numbers, even if there isn't a fight to win. I also got my Geo teacher to fake yell at her. And that was fine, until Shorty came into the classroom, right after the joke yelling and said,'I'm on O's side about the list.'

I didn't know about that until today, and I knew Shorty was aggressive and I had wanted her support, because Kenzie had made me feel like my list was crazy. But as I said, there was no fight to win. Until there was.

Kenzie bailed on the project the next period.
I texted her after to school,'You didn't explain!' No response.
And she hasn't talked to me since.
It's not like I've exactly been giving any romantic gestures myself, but I did smile at her when she came through the door in English. That's a frickin' ice statue in 8th grade. But I can't understand the 'why' of the whole ordeal. We didn't have a fight. I didn't do anything to personally attack her, even if I suppose my soldier did. And She certainly hasn't confronted me about any anger she has.

I know I'm making this seem textbook, but that's what I do. I was born a mundane voiced English teacher who loses charm throughout the year. And isn't that what happens to most aspiring novelists?

Off topic.
I don't know what to do. I want to text her the usual question, anything at all, random that I want to know about her. That's how we start our conversations. I want to pretend that nothing happened. Because other than her bailing, nothing did.
But I want to ask her if she's actually angry, doesn't like me or just got bored with me, too.

This sounds elementary, but I wanted her to be my friend.
And this sorta blows.

Because after you get over the initial blow of the cheerleader effect, it sorta turns into a string of glares and ignored English morning smiles. And that stings.

This being the first interesting thing to happen to me this year, I choose not to ruin it with stories of an empty lunch table (me and Issy sat alone today) or of 4th period shenanigans (are geishas prostitutes?) or even bus ride tales (we saw that kid with the guitar on his back while he rides his bike again, and we said the same thing again,'He loooks like he's going somewhere.')

I don't have enough friends to be scaring off the potentials! I guess in middle school resistance is futile. Even, or especially, when the sparkle, pink valley girl condition takes hold of you.


Don't let it eat you alive. Save yourself...leave me. I'm as good as dead.
But seriously if I had said that to them they would have left. I'm glad your still here. Mom.