May 30, 2011

As the end of the year approaches at wicked speed, I've found myself evaluating each one of my classmates. Its like when you bring to school your year book and decide who to have sign it. And in both situations the question of 'who really matters?' arises. Do I need or even want her false 'I'll miss you' in my year book to be forgotten? Am I really going to miss him?

And I've come to the realization that, no, I don't want her to sign and , no, I wont miss him. Each and every one of the people who have cluttered my life for the past 8 years in school is being tossed out. Every one. I don't have a say in their future, but can say I will probably not keep in touch, and while I hope they like high school, I'm far to self involved to find out if they actually do.

So everyone has been writing in my year book, and what happens is they ask you to sign theirs and suddenly you have to return the favor, like it's some big honor, by giving them yours. Then they spend the next 10 minutes wasting my time with phony things about summer and high school and luv. Not luve or love. Sorry to use the term, but I hate 'I love you' sluts.They're everywhere.

They come out of hibernation about this time of year. They spit their good wishes at you and you're expected to sue. That was a really bad analogy.

On a less aggressive note- more pregnancy videos. Two more, actually.
I have come to the conclusion that in the 70s the women's faces were gorgeous, genitals ungroomed, and not as delicate. And by the 2000s the women's faces were mutilated and stubby and their genitals were trimmed.
Pros and cons, yes?

The only version that really freaked, or grossed me out was the last one. The baby was bloody and wet and it was all too slick. I suppose that's better. Her dad was in the room though and it was awkward, at least it was for me.

We also saw many in the body camera shots, where they strategically (?) put cameras up places and you saw things, in extreme angles. But the budget cuts are crap and the televisions from the 80's so it wasn't HD or anything. There was one clip that showed a male ejaculating in a woman's vagina. And personally I didn't notice anything but the fact that they had somehow, carefully I assume, gotten a camera in...well you know. I kept looking around to see if anyone else was even considering it, but no it was just lil' pedo me wondering how they got that footage.

The last video we watched was narrated by John Lithgow, of 3rd Rock from the Sun, to me. His voice is very distinctive and I couldn't help but feel like I was watching a seriously in depth episode of 3rd Rock, where they figured out the miracle of life.
He kept saying 'gonads' at one point and I swear I was again the only one laughing. 'A fetus has two gonads that can either become testicles or ovaries.' He kept emphasizing gonads like he knew I was there. Gonads. Gonads. Gonads.

The couple that that video focused on was so creepy. This 6 foot women and her tiny Italian-Mexican partner who kept making whale sounds into her belly in public. Geezus. Just...no.

Today I saw a sign at my future high school that said _________ High Schoo the 'l' had fallen off so I pronounced it as my current principle does,'skoo.' And for some reason this sign made me think that high school, no matter how many people thought it was going to be life changing, is still school. Basically a middle school, only less hormonal and more sexual. That's all it is. It isn't some huge accomplishment, except maybe it is in my neighborhood. It was still a skoo, and I wasn't really leaving anything behind, I was just exchanging the setting and characters. When I was in 5th middle school was just like high school is now. And look how that turned out.

I have a terrible weakness to disappointment and I will not let yet another skoo disappoint me.

The only thing that can really change is..well....my nickname. I'm currently called Hannah by a lot of people because I tricked them into believing it was my real name, but I don't think that counts.

Here are some possibilities.
Veruca. (as in Salt)
Maxamillion. (this seems to be popular)
Warbucks (self explanatory)

Speaking of names I have chosen my future children's names. Darrell. Pronounced Duh-rell. And La-a. Pronounced Ladasha.

Like?

May 30, 2011

I love 3 day weekends!
They mean lots of television and movies can be consumed.

I've been trying to think of my favorites of things. Including movies. Which I always do when I have too much time on my hands.
I put myself on a talk show, either Letterman or, more often, Ellen.

Its conceited, I know, but I find comfort in imagining myself telling short, but humorous stories that not only intrigue the soccer mom audience, but keeps even the slightly chatty host from interrupting.

In fact I've had so much time this weekend i put down the How I Met Your Mother, and finished the book I've been reading, The 5 People You Meet in Heaven.
The book focuses on an old maintenance man who in heaven meets the five people who can explain why his life was the way  it was. Affected and how it affected someone else.

It was not only extremely insightful, but made me strangely happy.
I definitely recommend it.

I also watched Dead Poets Society. Robin Williams is one of my favorite actors. (I realized this on Ellen today. See above.)
About an English teacher teaching boarding school boys to love poetry and how to seize the day.

It was exactly what it said to be, but was extremely well written and a little contagious. If you know what I mean.

Holden Caulfield says that the best books are the ones that makes you want to call up and chat with the author.
While I agree with this, I can also tell if I really liked a movie or novel if I want to have been a part of it. Written it or acted in it or directed it.
Which is why after I read this book, or after I finish every Enders series novel I feel the need to write something exactly like it.
Its pathetic but also very inspiring.

With school only 8 days from its end I realize I will be getting a lot of time to write and read and watch. Maybe I'll post some thing on my new blog... the completely predictable 9th Grade Observer.

But before any of that can happen I have to finish the 8th grade. Awards are Friday, and while I told myself I wouldn't get nervous about winning that American Legion Award, I am. I hate getting nervous or anxious. It leads to disappointment. Which is a feeling Ive only experienced thrice in my lifetime. And don't expect to feel again.

I bought a dress though!

Oh! Geez I almost forgot that on Friday I watched childbirth in Health with a capital H. Of course it was the crib notes version of the one we'll be watching Wednesday.  But we saw pretty much everything. The crowning. It coming out. Everyone kept worrying about the head coming out, but what about the shoulders!

One of the pregnant chicks, not in my class, got very scared.  Her due dates today, actually.  And although she's been a good sport all along, this really freaked her out. As it did everyone.

Except for this boy whose going to the national gymnast thing soon, who simply wondered if she could have shaved down there.

I expect it to be worse on Wednesday when the video from the 70s is played. But that's just an assumption.

I hope your weekend was as good as mine.
Should I be Madonna or Sandra D or a puppet for Halloween?

Or maybe I could go as a Croc wearer? How terrifying.

May 26, 2011

BODY CHANGES!

Today was actually a really good day. And I don't want to hear anything from you crystal statue collecting, bumper sticker people. It was because I knew I looked good on the outside. 

You get to school and you know you don't look good. Everyone does the don't look now double take. Which, if that was lost on you, is the slow mo 'don't look now' and the double take. Combined. 

They don't say anything, No compliments, No insults. 

That's appreciated though, because when they do compliment you you can see the laughter and judgment bubbling up behind their eyes and you just want to punch them. Like,'Your one of those people?  Really?' When you say things like that you make my bad hair day, unpopable zit and lack of clean, nice clothes 10 times worse. 

Insult in your own homes. Behind my back, that's just common manners. 

So, point is, I looked good today. Proof? Tim came up to me and said this-'O, you look like a pretty girl today! Not nerdy one.'

Hannie got offended for me. Then he said,'No, I meant to say smart?'

And Taylor, the meanest and most cheerful cheerleader of all, told me I should be a cheerleader. Because cheer leading was from the inside, not the outside, but I was pretty any way. To which I asked her if this bass player with Kenny G hair could be a cheerleader and she said,'Oh no!'

                  

I got an A on my math test. So did the girl who sat next to me, whose paper I graded...sans scratch work. Coincidence? I think not! 

She hides her paper, like I'm gonna cheat, and I never do, cheat and cover my paper. Because I honestly don't care. 

It was funny because Kenzie said,'Yeah shes always looking at your paper, I saw her.' I responded, 'How do you know? Were you looking at me?'

I masturbate and play WOW. 

You play WOW?

Which brings us to Kenzie.

Our science projects are do tomorrow and mine is done. Cheertown however looks like a hot pink mess. We all had to have one moving or light up object on our projects. I opted for light up, me and mom, or more correctly my mom, hooked up LEDs for me. I strung them from the bottom, and they look amazing.

While after school on Tuesday with ¾ of the cheer team, no Kenzie, I offered to ‘hook’ them up. Because I’m G, and stereotypically a nerd doing popular's homework.

Go ahead judge.

They all agreed, because…are we seriously going into this?

I brought the lights in today, and showed them off. Everyone but Kenzie loved them, she said,’I can not believe you did this.’

I’m glad none of my friends have ever been good, or remotely interested in the same things as me, it leads to conflict.

Kenzie and I, however, are constantly confused for each other. Mixed up names. Called from the back.

The one thing she had that I didn’t, cheer, she gave up for next year. We're equals. Its disgusting. And me painting a building, let alone hooking up lights, for her project is the ultimate win.

My mom asked me why I can't make friends the normal way.

This is how I see it- making Kenzie owe me something makes her indebted to me, something that can be payed back with friendship.

Sick aren’t I?

Go ahead, judge.

On a more serious note. My great aunt recently died from pancreatic cancer.

And the absolutely revolting thing is there was a recent episode of Glee in which Jane Lynch's characters sister died, and they showed this touching funeral. Blah Blah Blah. And I cried, hard. Granted it was the same day I found out about my aunt, but still. I felt horrible. I didn’t shed a tear for this amazing women I had touched in the flesh, who wasn’t fictional. And yet for some character on a FOX show I cried. I felt so guilty.

My mom read aloud an email preceding the obituary. And it got me thinking. (Don’t even say it!) I don’t want an average obituary, or one at all. Its sad, having to post something to tell people your dead. And I want to write my own. And I want it to say, I realize that thinking of my death is more sick and twisted than the way I get friends, but here it is- Observer. May her mistakes teach and her successes inspire.

And that’s it. Sweet, simple, and not something someones gonna read halfway through and get bored with.

O will not bore, not even after shes dead. (Don’t say it!)

Until next time my fan!

Does your mom wear Crocs?

May 24, 2011

Body Changes! Everyone's...Body Changes!
Those are the repetitive lyrics of a cartoon music video we had to watch in Health with a Capitol H today.
It is one of those songs that gets stuck in your head. But you only know the first line.Or in this case basically the only line?

All day I heard people humming it, and than in 5th I heard it first hand.
There were other songs, not as popular, but certainly as finely crafted.
"Menstruation! Ejaculation!"

And then it showed a kid asking his dad about his 'thing' leaking. And a girl asked her mom if she was a virgin before marriage. She said that some things were private. Translation- no.

They covered a lot for a cartoon. Homosexuality, menstrual cycles, erections (at one point the dad was telling his son that his penis would get bigger, and the son said,'Sometimes it gets bigger without my permission!') I am officially changing my dream job from Blockbuster-going out of business and has tons of movies that in my free time I can watch- to the writer of 'Body Changes' videos.

It would be like going to middle school health for the rest of my life.
Oh you know whaat...

I feel like this class is going to be the highlight of my year.

Which is the opposite of the city science project. Mine is obviously BOSS, but its the principal of the thing! I'm checked out!

I feel like your going to like this. I added a friend on facebook, totaling my friends at 32, and she posts the best things.
Luucky Chaarms Boomb Riqht Noow
Booy Iss Ruunninq Afteer Thee Buus ! Noo , #CaalmDoown
qirl doont trip aint nooboody taalkinq aboout yoou ;
ooh yeeaa ! shoould iqoo too thee chooir coonceert toomoorrow/weedneesdaay ?
iquueess shee loost weeiqht ? weell daamn qood foor heer IDC

Basically if I stayed friends with her for the rest of my life, only on FB, I would be accomplished. That's how happy she makes me. 

But what happens to Facebook friends as you get older. I mean Facebook's so 'new' I don't think anyone knows. Do you just delete them after the appropriate amount of time?

Another question- What happens with gauges when you get really old? No one knows!

The questions that haunt me. 

World war 3 broke out in cheer town, during science. Taylor, and Kenzie and Kaylor. Its crazy! Everyone's fighting and whispering and using the rare term, 'hoebag?' Is that how you spell it? Geez, i don't know. 

And as math gets harder, the year gets shorter, and Crocs stay an abomination. 

PS. I asked my mom to break up Jane Lynch and marry her, so that she would me my mom. She said,'What about Ellen?' And I said,'Shes mine.'

May 23, 2011

Its been forever! I know, I know. I feel terrible, nothing really happened. I got stuck building tiny buildings for my science project yesterday, and tonight I had a long overdo haircut, in which the hairdresser couldn't curl my bangs. So I curled them when I got home.

What I did, and what I always do, is print out a picture of a celebrity. It use to be Leighton Meester, and then this time I used Megan Fox. There's a pretty big difference between using a rising fame and the legendary Megan Fox as your,'I want to look like this!' picture.

Today we also started Sex Ed, basically. What we did was take out a piece of paper, answer the questions, don't write your name, and pass it until you get someone Else's.

I've come to write all of my 'f's' like those in music, with the bottom all twisty and such. So I wrote them differently and some others differently, or normally for someone else, so as I wouldn't be identified. Short story long.

Specs, however, did not do this.
1. Whats another name for the birth canal?
'Simple' Vagina.

2. What signals the start of male puberty?
This is what Specs put- Penis Enlargement.

And the worst part was we went down the rows and you had to answer the question for the class according to your person's paper. So when we got to that one, of course I had to say 'penis enlargement' in front of the whole class.

She also put other weird, almost know, answers like...Fabob Tube. What's a fabob tube?

I surprisingly knew most of the answers. Hymen, circumcision. You know.
It was surprising how many people didn't though. The guy in front of me just kept saying,'I don't care. I don't know. That's why I'm here. I don't know. That's why I'm here.'

So you don't know, and that's why you're here?

It was fun, but just the tip of the iceberg, no doubt. Miracle of life anyone?

Everything's starting to pile up, awards, tests, essays.

Sorry.
Hope you had an amazing weekend, mine was pretty awesome,, but they always are.

Does your mom wear Crocs?